by Dr. Michael Oberschneider of Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services

One day in late summer, an old farmer was working in his field with his old sick horse. The farmer felt compassion for the horse and desired to lift its burden. So, he let his horse loose to go the mountains and to live out the rest of its life.

Soon after, neighbors from the nearby village visited, offering their condolences, and said, “What a shame. Now your only horse is gone. How unfortunate you are!” You must be very sad. How will you live, work the land, and prosper?” The farmer replied: “Maybe so, maybe not…we shall see.”

Two days later the old horse came back now rejuvenated after meandering on the mountainside. He came back with twelve wild younger horses, which followed the old horse into the corral.

Word got out in the village of the old farmer’s good fortune, and it wasn’t long before people stopped by to congratulate the farmer on his good luck. “How fortunate you are they exclaimed. You must be very happy!” Again, the farmer softly said: “Maybe so, maybe not…we shall see.”

At daybreak on the next morning, the farmer’s only son set off to attempt to train the new wild horses, but the farmer’s son was thrown to the ground and broke his leg. One by one, the villagers arrived during the day to bemoan the farmer’s latest misfortune. “Oh, what a tragedy! Your son won’t be able to help you farm with a broken leg. You’ll have to do all the work yourself; how will you survive? You must be very sad,” they said. Calmly going about his usual business the farmer answered, “Maybe so, maybe not…we shall see.”

Several days later a war broke out. The Emperor’s men arrived in the village demanding that all of the young men come with them to be conscripted into the Emperor’s army. As it happened, the farmer’s son was deemed unfit because of his broken leg. In the tea house, the villagers again commented “What very good fortune you have!” as their own young sons were marched away. “You must be very happy.” “Maybe so, maybe not…we shall see” replied the old farmer as he headed off to work his field alone.

As time went on the broken leg healed, but the son was left with a slight limp. Again, the neighbors came to pay their condolences. “Oh what bad luck. Too bad for you”! But the old farmer simply replied, “Maybe so, maybe not…we shall see.”

As it turned out, the other young village boys had died in the war and the old farmer and his son were the only able bodied men capable of working the village lands. The old farmer became wealthy and was very generous to the villagers. They said: “Oh how fortunate we are, you must be very happy,” to which the old farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not…we shall see.”

This ancient Chinese parable is believed to be over 2000 years old, but its message is as relevant today as it was then.  In my opinion, there are several important interpretations to the parable that are worthy of consideration, one of which is the idea that hardships, setbacks, and defeats are part of life.  And while we as parents can’t protect our children from many of the painful experiences they’ll encounter (on and off the field), we can do a lot to help them to consider the long-term view during upsetting moments.  Whether your child plays soccer recreationally or more competitively at Revolution, here are a few tips to consider when difficult moments occur:

• Research has shown that parents’ beliefs about whether failure is a good or bad thing influences how children think about their own intelligence. For children, these studies indicate that it isn’t the parents’ specific view on capacity or ability that matters, but rather the parents’ responses to failure that the children internalize.  So, how should we as parents respond when our child fails?  When our child experiences a tough soccer loss, gets injured, doesn’t make his or her preferred team, etc., it’s important to remember that they are watching us for direction. The best thing we can do as parents in these sorts of moments is to love and empathically support our child and let him or her know that upsetting experiences are difficult, but they can also be important learning opportunities.

• During a setback or hardship, we as parents can also help our child to think about past experiences, present experiences, and aspirational goals for the future to help them manage their strong, negative thoughts and feelings. For the past, we can remind them of their accomplishments and successes with the game, and all the work they’ve put into the sport to play well. For the present, we can encourage our child to think positively and to use positive self-talk to bounce back.  For the future, we can support our child to think about what he or she can get control over or improve on.  Also, sharing examples of how some of the world’s greatest athletes persevered through adversity and setbacks to become even better at their sport can be helpful.

• Research has also shown that the perceived negative consequence of a failure is more upsetting than the failure itself for children. For most children, letting your team down by missing a game winning goal is more upsetting than simply missing the shot. Psychologists know this and posit that helping our children embrace uncertainty can be helpful when they fear failure on the field.  Thus, encouraging our child to lean into fearful or difficult moments on the field instead of avoiding them will help them to value effort and attitude over performance and outcome alone.  Catastrophizing – seeing only the worst possible outcome in a situation – is something that a child might do after a difficult hardship or setback with soccer.  Challenging our child to reframe their distorted and negative thinking when this happens will help him or her to better manage their feelings and start thinking more rationally again.

It’s easy for our children to worry about things that they can’t control in a given moment, and it’s also easy for them to react or overreact to mistakes they’ve made on the field or to bad things that happen to them in sports.  However, excessive worry, sadness, anxiety, anger or dwelling on a hardship or setback is a waste of time and energy, and if our children give into their negative emotions too much, things can become distorted and their problems can get worse. Keep in mind that while we often can’t protect what happens to our child in soccer, we can help them control how they choose to manage their thoughts, emotions and responses to problems that arise. So, the next time you find your child making a mountain out of a mole hill after a tough game, loss or something else upsetting, try to help him or her take a long-term view since today’s bad moment or event on the field can later become a blessing in disguise.