by Dr. Michael Oberschneider of Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services

In the 1984 movie “The Karate Kid,” a teenage boy becomes disheartened when his karate teacher has him doing chores to exhaustion day after day. Instead of teaching the boy fighting techniques for his upcoming competition, the master instructs the boy to paint his house and fence, sand his floors, and wax his many old cars. The boy listens to his teacher but eventually grows impatient and expresses strong negative feelings. When the master commands the boy to show him the moves the boy learned to complete the myriad of boring and laborious chores—sand the floor, wax on/wax off, paint the fence, and so on—the boy realizes that he was actually being trained all along. He is then able to easily learn the formal karate moves that he wants and needs for the competition.

I suppose the above movie scenario could be interpreted in different ways, but the take-home message for me is that committing to hard work leads to growth and success. Sure, the boy finally learned karate, but more importantly, he learned the importance of patience, delaying gratification, concentration, self-discipline, perseverance, being in the moment, and selflessness.

As parents we strive to support our children’s success in life, and while several factors contribute to success — IQ, talent, good looks, physical health and social intelligence – developmental research has shown that grit is the number one predictor of success.  Grit has been defined as having passion, resilience, endurance, perseverance and conscientiousness toward the attainment of long-term goals.  Having grit requires a growth mindset, which we as parents can help our children to develop both on and off the soccer field.  By helping our children understand that the ability to learn occurs through effort, dedication and challenge, over time, it will become second nature for them to persevere when faced with hardships or failure.

When it comes to soccer, opportunities to develop grit as a player are ubiquitous.  Supporting your child to play as hard as they can through a cold or rainy practice or game, to run as fast as they can through exhausting drills, to stretch, to organize their gear and to plan ahead, are a few ways parents can help to develop a growth mindset.

Our children also learn from observing us as parents, so demonstrating grit is also good for our children to take in.  So, if you’re upset or distressed about something or are facing a challenge, modeling the steps you take toward the resolving the problem or conflict will be helpful for your child.

Praising effort and perseverance over outcome or performance is so important when it comes to helping our children develop a growth and winning mindset.  Of course, we’re happy for our kid when he or she scores a goal, or makes a beautiful assist or blocks a goal, and those moments should be enjoyed.  However, it’s the waxing on and waxing off moments on the field that we as parents should be praising most.

When it comes to developing grit and a growth mindset, allowing your child to struggle and to have setbacks or hardships is also essential.  Growth doesn’t happen when a soccer practice or game is easy, but rather when things are difficult.  Getting injured, losing a tough game, etc., are obstacles that our children need to get around or push through, which will in turn lead to more opportunities and increased grit for what lies ahead.

Lastly, supporting our children’s emotional resilience off the soccer field is also important, and here are a few helpful tips to consider:

• Teach your child the value of a dollar
• Give your child age appropriate chores
• Encourage your child to go beyond their comfort zone and to take risks
• Let your child scrape their knees and get dirty
• Send your child to an away camp
• Reward your child for hard work, good behaviors and accomplishments
• Encourage your child to be selfless and to do good deeds

I start early, and I stay late, day after day after day, year after year.  It took me 17 years and 114 days to become an overnight success. ~ Lionel Messi