by Dr. Michael Oberschneider of Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services
As parents, it’s our job to protect our children from upsetting or harmful experiences, but it’s also our job to allow our children to work through their struggles toward great autonomy. Knowing when to step in and when to not can be especially difficult to determine with youth sports given that unfair moments are painfully felt by children all the time.
The following are the main topics of unfairness that come up a lot in youth sports for kids (and their parents):
The coach’s kid. It’s not uncommon in youth sports for the coach’s son or daughter to play the best position, to be on the best team, and/or to get the most playing time. When this occurs, it can be upsetting to other kids on the team, especially when there are players who seem to be more deserving of these sorts of opportunities. As a parent, the best thing you can do when this happens is to acknowledge your child’s feelings and support them through the problem. Don’t disparage the coach or the coach’s child, as that sort of support isn’t helpful, and you don’t want to overprotect your child from something they need to figure out for themselves. You can certainly let them know that you see what they see (if you do), that you understand their feelings, that the problem will pass, and that it’s something that they can manage. I personally think that it’s best for youth organizations and clubs to not employ parent coaches, but parent coaches are often needed since there aren’t enough coaches (without a child on the team) to coach.
Favoritism. Coaches should remain evenly available to all players, but it’s not unusual for them to have their favorites when it comes to the team. In my experience, the players who are responsible, committed, try hard, demonstrate good sportsmanship, and steadily improve are the players coaches gravitate toward most. When favoritism for other players becomes a problem for your child, it’s best to acknowledge their feelings and support them through the moment. It’s also a good idea to encourage your child to focus less on comparisons and what they can’t control, and more on themselves and what they can control.
Playing time. As parents, it’s difficult to watch your son or daughter not play a lot in a game or tournament, and it’s even more difficult for the child in these moments. However, it’s important to remember that good coaches do their best to manage the many factors that go into each child’s playing time on a team – a player’s talent or skill level, the specific needs of the team during a game or tournament, a player’s readiness to play, etc. Fair playing time doesn’t always mean equal playing time. As parents, it’s best to acknowledge and support your child when they don’t get a lot of playing time; reassure them of how proud you are and encourage them to continue to work hard so that their coach can’t help but notice them.
Team placement. Not making the team or being demoted from a higher-level team can be tough moments for a child. Sometimes the coach’s reasoning in these moments will make sense to your child, and sometimes the decision will seem unfair. When team placement seems unfair, it’s best to sit with your child to supportively talk through his or her strong, negative feelings. Focusing on what your son or daughter can control or improve on in soccer is more productive than speaking negatively about other players who received better team placements.
Injuries. Injuries are an unavoidable reality in youth sports, and they can often seem unfair when they happen; your child may be upset to miss a game or two with an injury, or he or she may need to sit out the entire season, and that can be difficult to accept. When your child gets injured, it’s important to empathize with their feelings and talk to them about their frustrations. Also, helping your child to manage their stress, keeping them connected to their team and accentuating positivity and wellness are some of the other good things you can do when he or she is sidelined due to an injury.
Privilege. On and off the field, your child is going to meet children who have more than they have and children who have less than they have, and discussing how financial differences feel to them is a good thing to do. Some children can afford private lessons or elite soccer camps out of state or even out of the country, while most children aren’t able to do those things. Reminding your child that while money can buy a lot of nice things in life and provide special opportunities in sports, it can’t buy talent, hard work, commitment or good sportsmanship. Both Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi came from very humble backgrounds and grew up poor, and I think we’d all agree that they’ve done pretty well for themselves at soccer.
So, as a good soccer dad or mom, what’s the best thing to do when your child exclaims, “That’s so unfair…” Of course, there isn’t a one size fits all answer to that question, but regardless of the situation, your child needs your support and guidance when this happens. As parents, we can’t protect our children completely from the unfair moments they will be forced to contend with in life – perceived or real – but we can help them to manage their thoughts, feelings and behaviors when faced with hurt and disappointment.
“Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it or work around it.” Michael Jordan
